I'm all in knots about Claire.

I had dinner with Claire the other night, and towards the end of the dinner we started having the big talk, the talk we've been avoiding. I never know what I want, even with Claire, so I find this sort of thing really difficult. But if you'd asked me (and I had discussed this with Sam) I would have said that my ideal would be to keep it just where it is right now.... not advancing, not retreating. Just as it is.

Anyway, much to my surprise that's exactly what Claire wants too. Which of course made me not want it. I go through in my mind all the reasons why being in a relationship with Claire would be bad for me, but I end up coming back to the hard fact that I'm completely crazy about her. And now that she doesn't want a relationship I feel jilted, dropped, dumped, even though I don't want one either.

Here's a snippet of dialog, as close to verbatim as I can get it..

Me: you remember that night we had sex?
Claire: yes, very well
Me: you remember I was reluctant at first? Do you have any idea why?
Claire: no.....
Me: I just KNEW if we slept together I'd fall in love with you
Claire: (pause) but you've slept with everyone in Sydney... how is this different
Me: it just IS different